Courtesy of Mark Doctrow.

Paramore will allegedly ice out Mariah Carey from a #1 debut with their Brand New Eyes album on sales of 180,000-190,000. Mariah's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, plagued by consumer indifference, is looking to end up with 160,000-170,000. And just for shits 'n' giggles, Madonna's much harder sell—a double CD of hits already available a la carte at iTunes—Celebration should move 60,000-70,000.

What does this mean? It means several things:

(1) Madonna is old, but Mariah Carey's act is getting old (though she decided to discuss wanting a baby to get some 'bloid love). She's putting records out too quickly.

(2) Nobody buys albums anymore, least of all Mariah Carey albums—she's seeing a 70% drop-off from her last first-week tally. (Bitch moved 463,000 her first week with E=MC2, and that was less than 18 months ago.)

(3) Madonna will be lucky to end up in the Top 10 with this offering. She'll likely be #8 or #9. If her next record is yet another dance-floor record she can look forward to debuting with under 100,000 with that, too.

(4) Paramore's stint on the Twilight soundtrack last year helped (a lot).

(5) It ain't over—Mariah's got some high-profile CD-selling lined up for this week, so she could still take #1...and believe me, if there is any human or inhuman way to do it, she will (at least she gives a shit...Madonna...).

(6) Mariah fans...chill, it's all in good fun.

(7) Hits could be wrong: Billboard sees both Mariah and Paramore in the 160,000 to 170,000 range. Truthfully, I can't believe Mariah won't do some extra work to cross that finish line. It would tie her with Madonna for most #1 albums (behind Barbra Streisand, who's only ahead of them by one album!), and she loooves the charts. If I had to bet $, I'd bet it on Mariah.