National Enquirer (January 11, 2010) tackles the age-old, oft-asked question: "Who's Gay & Who's Not?" this week. Here's the low-down on who's on the down-low:

Zac Efron is pictured looking so fucking guilty and a rumor is repeated that his relationship with Vanessa Hudgens "was arranged to throw a damper on the gay hoopla. It's recently been reported that the two are on the outs." No pun intended? I don't know Zac well, but I've met him several times and while I can't draw conclusions from that, all I can say for sure is that whatever the current state of his relationship with Vanessa, their relationship was real and started for real; it's not a hastily thrown together, business-drenched showmance. Does this mean he's not now gay or that he's never had gay sex? No. Just saying Zanessa's not a sham. 

Courtney Love is shown kissing Carmen Electra and is quoted called herself a lesbian. "Bi-and-bi" is how they describe her. Her attendance of an Oscar party with Amanda de Cadenet a million years ago is also dredged up. (I'd forgotten that Madonna wannabe moment.)

Selma Blair is kissing Sarah Michelle Gellar but little else is plumbed beyond noting her marriage credentials.

Tommy Lee is seen kissing Dave Navarro and is quoted as saying of a guy who tried to seduce him, "Maybe if he was really good-looking I may have slightly considered it. But he was not my type."

Lance Armstrong is shown looking as fucking guilty as Zac and is mentioned for having been so buddy-buddy with Matthew McConaughey, but lists his various GFs and children.

Colin Farrell is shown kissing Diego Maradona but his sex tape is cited as having "settled the issue once and for all."

Ryan Seacrest is given a pass because "all the joking is just in fun—Ryan has dated a string of female beauties, including stunning bartender Jasmine Waltz." Is NE drunk?

Sienna Miller is shown kissing Helen McCrory but is quoted saying she wants "a committed relationship—with a man."

Anderson Cooper is shown looking as fucking guilty as Zac and Lance and is basically confirmed as being in the closet. "The silver-haired newsman has never publicly romanced a woman."

Hugh Jackman is shown looking so fucking hot and shirtless and is confirmed straight because he's married and has a kid. Um, okay.

Joely Richardson is shown kissing her pal Fiona, but she laughs that off as goofing around.

Kevin Spacey's infamous butt bongo image is reproduced (the guy's crack is not shown) and he's all but confirmed as in the closet.

Alex Trebek (!) is said to be the subject of insistent Internet rumors despite wedding a curvy beauty. I must research this!

Tyra Banks is shown PDAing with Kimora Lee Simmons. Can you imagine the fight to the top??? Her heterosexuality is exonerated.

Adam Lambert is shown kissing that guy from the American Music Awards. 'Nuff said.

Neil Patrick Harris is shown looking very much in love with David Burtka. 'Nuff said.

Vin Diesel apparently had a kid with his girlfriend recently—who knew? I dunno, men who say they prefer to date in Europe to be under the radar are never off my gaydar.

Megan Fox's admission that she romanced a woman is recounted, but so is her theory that we're all somewhat bi and her admission that she's not a lesbian.

Cher gave us Chaz, so that has to mean something, right? Nah, her admission regarding past relationships with women is retold but she's seen as more of a sexual adventurer. Like Megan Fox's great-grandma or something.

Barry Manilow is pictured siting in the sun with a very cute, built, younger man whose asscrack would probably be visible if the NE hadn't blocked it with text. "He hasn't publicly dated anyone for years," they point out, while reminding us of his bathhouse days.

Kirstie Alley is apparently "still haunted by an item written in 1990 by gossip columnist Michael Musto" about a "cheery TV actress" who was in the closet along with her hubby (Parker Stevenson). She's labeled "clearly not gay" because she recently Tweeted that she wants "a booty call" with Jamie Foxx. Yeah, that's proof. (I wouldn't turn one down, either, and I'm gay!)

Pink is shown smooching a woman and says she's fine being considered gay despite being married to Carey Hart. (Who is a gorgeous girl, BTW.)

Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s introduction of the "Big Mo" candy bar is detailed as a red herring, but NE subtly barks, "The 35-year-old racing ace lives alone on a 140-acre estate in Cleveland, N.C."

Jamie Foxx is considered potentially gay for having done a striptease for male fans and posing in a fuzzy bunny g-string, but no homo—he's straight. No telling if that would hold under the influence.

Drew Barrymore is lip-locking Liv Tyler on a red carpet and is confirmed as being bi. I'd forgotten that she was deeply involved with Jane's Jane Pratt.

Kate Moss is seen kissing Jemima Khan. But she's convincingly straight.

Finally, NE dares to question the sexuality of Robert Pattinson (but not co-star Taylor Lautner, who was rudely interrogated at age 17 by Rolling Stone on the topic). His friend Marcus Foster vouches for him, stating, "I know Rob very well, and the girls have nothing to worry about. He's not gay."