All My Sisters With Me Tom's Man 

 
Feb 27 2012
"I'm sure Sacha Baron Cohen isn't the first gent to soil one of Ryan Seacrest's outfits." Comments (9)

Angelina jolie jim rash jeffy popVia Jeffy Pop

Jennifer-lopez-cameron-diaz-make-up-costume

Here are all my Oscars red carpet and telecast thoughts, compiled into one handy volume from Facebook. Horrible show. Obvious highlights would be Cirque du Soleil, Jim Rash soft-mocking Angelina Jolie and—can't believe this part was a highlight this year!—the lovely "in memoriam" section, even if Esperanza Spalding 100% lip-synched due to the complicated nature of the audio and the producers' decision to cut out any disparity in the amount of applause for some corpses over others.

Billy Crystal was totally off and should not host again, even though he did improve later on and his naughty political jabs were funniest. Neil Patrick Harris should expect a phone call soon if he hasn't already received it.

Here ya go. Thoughts?

@ I couldn't care LESS about the Oscars. And to prove it, I'll watch every minute of them and update my status 20 times throughout.

@ Rose Byrne is lovely but her hair has more arbitrary parts than LOVE BOAT. Wendie McLendon-Covey must've been told to lose weight in order to get more roles—less of her to love, but love her I do. Google "most hated film critic" and it will suggest Ben Lyons FOR A REASON. Wondering if Billy Crystal will poke fun at director Madonna tonight; he introduced both of her Oscar performances ("the NC-17 portion of our rilly big shoe" and pointed out what a good sport she was to sing "You Must Love Me" in spite of not getting an acting nom). Bérénice Bejo looks JUST LIKE Juliet Prowse!

@ Love Melissa McCarthy, but didn't Shelley Winters wear that on the Poseidon? I simply can not abide Ryan Seacrest. Jane Seymour is the new Luise Rainer (sorry, Hollywood is running out of legends! People now are just older, familiar and fantastic-looking). My dogs are staring at the floor on the assumption that if José is making Oscar burgers he is likely to drop something and overlook it. Loving Judy Greer, looking like a female Oscar. Kelly Osbourne channeling Hatchet Face from CRY-BABY.

@ Did all the redheads come in the same car? George Clooney and Ryan Seacrest together in the same place—hope the closet has a burglar alarm. Kelly Osbourne thinks Melissa McCarthy's dress is great = fire her now and take some random person from the street to continue in her place. Ben Lyons: "Let's see if your guyses' votes match up with mine!" Jonah Hill looks like drag king Murray Hill now (Google that). 

The help viola davis oscar oscars green dress cleavage

@ Viola Davis looks fresh and modern and unrecognizable from her roles = smart idea. The dress looks like something Kim Basinger would reject. She's seriously going to win an Oscar in that??? Michelle Williams did the same fresh thing but with the right dress. Demian Bichir & George Clooney would make a good couple. Virginia Madsen was allowed in? Gross, I don't need to see Diddy being lint-rolled. Wendie McLendon-Covey's dress is one of the best. Rooney is Olive Oyl on her best day (but seriously, exquisite). 

@ Ryan Seacrest is cruising the guy with Octavia HARD. Octavia looks divine. Glenn Close looks better than she's looked since before she killed that bunny. Kristen Wiig looks pretty but a bit muted. Giuliana Rancic looks like a praying mantis—that hair. Lauren Bacall still curses at her TV each year this ceremony is on. Oscar voters are 94% white 77% male and an average age over 60—are they going to vote for THE HELP or use it as an employment resource? (How did BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ever lose?) Looks like you could cut a piece off Jessica Chastain's shoulder and use it as soap. Sacha Baron Cohen remains-bombed Ryan Seacrest!!!

@ Tippi Hedren looks pretty good—oh, wait, Melanie Griffith looks pretty bad. Tragedy—even Tina Fey looks terrible. That hair! Somehow J.Lo's hair doesn't work for me with her dress, and the eye makeup is too much. I mean, of course she's purdy. I wish people would refuse to say who they're wearing. Not sure that color works with Emma Stone's hair color. Sarah Hyland's gown matches Kelly Osbourne's hair—guess which one is cute? The stylist talking with Giuliana has Carol Mattau face: sheet-white cheeks then sunkissed torso.

@ I'm sure Sacha Baron Cohen isn't the first gent to soil one of Ryan Seacrest's outfits.

Octavia spencer

@ Gwyneth Paltrow looks amazing enough for lots of haters to eat their hearts out. Anna Faris is rocking a Joyce Bulifant. Kelly Osbourne is OBSESSED with "age-appropriate." You have purple hair, bitch, you're not human-appropriate. Melissa is dressed like the mayor's wife from TOWERING INFERNO, and my dog Sash can do a striking impersonation of Octavia (see attached; this is a compliment). Robin Roberts looks equipped to steal Stacey Kiebler from George Clooney. Angelina Jolie is as noticeable as her movie was overlooked. Christopher plummer's tux??? 

Billycrystal-blackface-1-thumb-640xauto-5411Ugh. Plus, how relevant is doing a Sammy Davis Jr. send-up in 2012?

@ So we're doing blackface again?

@ The opening was awful—Crystal has lost it if he thought that was gonna slay 'em. Long commentary about seat-filling for Jennifer Lopez and no joke about her seat? Do not like the awkward close-ups in profile of the envelope being opened. Most of America is now saying, "Who is Hugo?" I like Meryl's dress a lot. Can't believe she hasn't won in 30 years! Don't want her to win tonight, but next year is fine.

@ Madonna can go back to party preparations now that W.E. lost the award it was up for (and deserved to win just as much as THE ARTIST, though I'm glad for THE ARTIST, the year's best). Cameron Diaz looks flawless. I'm not sure someone should get an Oscar for making Glenn Close look like a man; how hard is it to find cold cream? (Kidding! Love you, Glenn—wait, you even have a man's name...) The stars talking about their fave movies is so boring because the stars are boring—it feels like an HIV-prevention commercial, so somber. IT'S MOVIES, PEOPLE. IT'S FUN!

@ Sandra Bullock is hilarious, you have to give it to her. I think she'd be a good host. Iran beats Israel (at the Oscars). Feisty! I liked the dig at Christian Bale's temperament. Nick Nolte looks anxious to pick out a coffin. Poor Janet McTeer grew a penis for this role. Man, I forgot how bad Emma Stone's wig was in THE HELP! Octavia Spencer!!! Congrats. Deserved. Standing O might be a bit much, lol, but good for her. She even jerked a smile out of Angelina Jolie.

@ Bradley Cooper has the ultimate new fag hag: Tina Fey! The WIZARD OF OZ focus group was amusing and I cracked up at "was one of 'em green, or am I nuts?" PLEASE don't let Diddy's documentary win...Diddy must not have an Oscar. I will say THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO was well edited. Jesus, HUGO is winning a lot; Tilda Swinton *was* great as the automaton. 

Cirque-du-soleil-2012-oscars-1"Whatever you do, don't fall on Christian Bale!"

@ Even Miss Piggy has that annoying updo. CIRQUE DU SOLEIL was cool; feel so bad for the dude who fell. That should have been the opener. Robert Downey bit = painful. Oh, Diddy doesn't actually get the Oscar for this winning, so it's cool.

@ Chris Rock followed by Melissa McCarthy followed by Emma Stone and Jonah Hill = on a humor roll finallllly. HUGO was good but it better not frickin' win Best Picture. YESSSS...Christopher Plummer! Oldest actor ever to win an Oscar.

@ So glad THE ARTIST won for music—take THAT, Kim Novak! Penelope Cruz is a vision. No songs performed this year, and they coulda had Elton and Madonna had they been looser with it. The MUPPETS guy sorta looked like Jim Henson from a distance. Ellen's commercials are almost as funny as MR. WRONG. The tinny echo in the mic is unforgivable. Angelina at least knows how to sell her frickin' lines. Brilliant real-time Angelina send-up by that cocky new Oscar winner.

@ Milla Jovovich is outrageously gorgeous and perfectly dressed, but not exactly someone I think of when I think "Oscar." The BRIDESMAIDS cast = hilarity. Why can't every presenter be given lines like these and perform them like this?

@ I do NOT like them having actors from movies pitching why their directors should win an Oscar in pre-taped spots. Yuck, this whole show is so bad. I'm so thrilled Michel won for THE ARTIST. He's going to be sleeping in that dog's house — he didn't thank his wife! Who starred in the film. [Silence] Or did I not hear???

@ The Oscars themselves should be appearing in the "in memoriam" sequence. I wonder which FDP (famous dead person) they'll inexplicably snub this year, then come up with reasons why (instead of just admitting it was an oversight). Is the "in memoriam" song lip-synched? I love how they're doing this—beautiful and stylish.

Jean-dujardin-winsSilence is golden

@ Seeing what passes for big stars these days, it's depressing! When Reese Witherspoon is in her 70s, will she be a legend or just an old Reese Witherspoon? Loved Natalie Portman's presentation and she looks flawless. I'M SO HAPPY FOR JEAN DUJARDIN! (And he can git it.)

@ Colin Firth laying it on thick about Rooney—she's been in one big movie. Meryl on her 17th nomination and already set to get #18 next year for AUGUST OSAGE COUNTY as long as Julia Roberts isn't so bad it drags the movie down. Michelle Williams glowing as she looks at old co-star Firth. Viola was already tearing up because she knew she had no way to change before getting up on the stage. But BOOOOO for Meryl Streep. I have zero interest in seeing that movie. Those old Oscar voters [shakes fist]. I do love her, but...argh.

@ Ugh, Tom Cruise giving out Best Picture is like Sybil Danning giving out Best Picture. Boy sure does look fresh as a daisy, though. I'm glad THE ARTIST won! [Clasps hands, moves lips, blinks eyes, smiles] Good night everyone!

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