Linda Dano circa the '80s seems a better comparison

Check out grotesque plastic-surgery nightmare Justin, who claims to be a human Ken doll but who barely resembles a human let alone that sexy Ken doll we al remember from childhood.

Dude, you need help. And I don't mean surgical help.

 

Above, see then-and-now shots of most of the following stars!

All good things must come to an end, and I'm not only referring to the lives of some of The Hollywood Show's older participants—I'm talking about the show's longtime association with the Burbank Marriott Airport, the hotel that's hosted the festivities for a number of years. After the show this past weekend, it moves closer to LAX, which had plenty of fans, vendors and stars bitching and moaning.

I'm also referring to my companionship with my previously inexhaustible Chexy, my right-hand man. He announced he was finally fed up with these events, so while I was able to crash with him a few nights I couldn't rely on him to play personal photographer for me.

Landers sanitizer

Luckily, I nabbed my autograph-seeking cohorts Bran and Rich and we made a day of it.

Yes, I'm aware I look like a maniac—shazbot!

We started out in line for the biggest star there, comedy genius Jonathan Winters, 86. While I held our place in line, the guys used the bathroom and chatted up the Landers Sisters, who I wanted to get, too. I texted them to get their asses back over to me.

After suffering a fall earlier in the year, he'd canceled a previous Hollywood Show. I had a photo of him with Phyllis Diller that she signed for me shortly before her death, so I presented that to Jonathan for his autograph. He was touched when I told him Phyllis had inquired about his health during our last visit, then he launched into a (non-serious) tirade about how Bob Hope wasn't funny and couldn't tell a joke to save his life. Winters is in a wheelchair now and very soft-spoken, but managed a big smile for our photo.

Oh, Henry!

Since he was right next to him, we went for Marvin Kaplan, 85. Best known to me as "Henry" on Alice, he was really sweet and enjoyed seeing the vintage photo I brought for him to sign.

This was my biggest show for having unusual photos that the stars went ape over; I had to pause while no fewer than four of them had the photos scanned for their archives.

I'll be appearing in a warped version of Love Letters with Audrey & Judy

Next up was a trip to the Landers Sisters' table. I started with Audrey, 56, asking her what it had been like to compete on The $25,000 Pyramid, an obsession of mine. She told me, "I was pretty smart—back then!" and said it was the most stressful thing she's ever done because she always felt the pressure to win for the contestants. She said she was glad she did it but that she wouldn't want to do the new version.

Did a photo with her in her funky, green-sequined party dress, then got Judy, 53, to join us in making a Matthew sandwich on Landers.

Both were bubbly and sweet but did seem to have a slight reserve about them, like they understood the oddball nature of the event. Judy had her bombshell daughter Kristy, 20, with her, a gorgeous girl who attracted the attention of Nickelodeon TV star Drake Bell, 26.

Drake's belle

I reminded Drake that he knows me from my stint as a teen-mag editor and he was superfriendly and did a nice shot with Brian, who likes these kiddie shows more than kiddies do. I warned Drake to double-check Kristy's age and he immediately said, "Already thought of that. She's 20."

Necks were lined up, begging to be sucked

Right across the way was True Blood's Sam Trammell, 43, and while I have never watched the show, he was too cute to pass up. I had a pretty unflattering but pretty shirtless photo of him with a surfboard that my friends insisted was too horrible to show. I made Brian promise not to call attention to it, but I of course was later referred to as "my friend who brought you that horrible picture of you."

True love

Sam cringed as he looked at his imperfect (but still, to me, unattainable!) bod. But a classy pro, he gamely signed it and couldn't have been nicer.

Ain't nothin' but a g-string

Matt Bomer bares his butt in unreleased Magic Mike scene.

In Virginia, Obama coins neologism: "Romnesia."

Lawrence O'Donnell to Tagg Romney: "Take your best shot."

Ann Romney on if her hubby loses: "He will not run again."

Gallup's the only national poll with Romney (way!) ahead.

Romney bailing on NC—confidence or desperation?

Where at least one Wild Thing is.

News outlets try to revive Madonna & guns controversy.

Abercrombie CEO is "douche of the week."

Tom f*@!*in' Hanks.

Dennis Quaid soon back on the market.

Zac Efron goes for edgy, overreaches:

National Enquirer is hyping its big "Plastic Surgery Shockers" issue, which it only publishes every other week or something like that. This snap of Janet underscores that something is amiss with her cheeks. She's always had big cheeks, so her new ones are usually less attention-getting than they might otherwise be.

Beth Ditto is flashed images of various divas and gives her impressions for French TV. On the subject of Madonna, she says:

"Perfect icon, perfect icon. And great...good, good, she's had good work done."

Of Lady Gaga, she says:

"The Madonna of my nieces and nephews."

Her nieces and nephews are "six and seven," so take that for what it's worth, but it didn't sound bitchy.

Full video after the jump...

This from a man who can't be trusted to care for his own face!

Plastic disaster Rupert Everett is mouthing off against gay people again. That's exactly what it is when someone says that there's "nothing worse" that a child being raised by two dads. Really? Nothing? Not even being left in an institution with no parents? He thinks children need a father and a mother. Well, he had that, and his own mother wishes he weren't gay—perhaps at the root of his self-loathing—so we can see having both does not always a well-rounded and sensitive human being make. (Does his mom wish he weren't a former prostitute, too? Or is it just the current homo part that bugs her?)

Saying that kids need a mother and a father is bullshit. Plenty of children have only one or the other, or have two moms or two dads, and turn out absolutely fine. Plenty have the so-called ideal of a mom and dad and grow up to be emotionally stunted or otherwise damaged. To single out gay parents is anti-gay. For it to come from a gay person is infuriating. Just like that awful D&G brat, it seems to be a self-defeating opinion that, where it exists, is far more prevalent among well-to-do gays who feel superior to other gay people (he disavows any notion that he is a part of a gay community) and therefore judge them harshly. They're hung up about not fitting in so have a chip on their shoulders against other gay people instead of simply enjoying not fitting in and being their own people.

You'll never guess which 9 sigs...

I spent five days in L.A. attending Cinecon 48, a film fest dedicated to the screening and ultimately the preservation of classic early films. The fest offers over 40 films and events, capped off by a banquet at which the board gives deserving performers career-achievement awards. This year, the winners were Carleton Carpenter (who you might best remember for dueting with Debbie Reynolds on "Aba Daba Honeymoon"), Richard L. Bare (classic '60s TV director) and Phyllis Coates (the original "Lois Lane" on Adventures of Superman in the '50s). Debbie Reynolds was on hand to give her old co-star "Carp" his award, and her performance at the banquet amounted to a free taste of her bawdy nightclub act.

Fasten your seat—never mind, it's gonna go down pretty smooth

Yesterday's hot mess, Jackie Stallone Ivone Weldon, should take this photo on the right to her surgeon, point to her lips and say, "Do THAT."

Is Jackie a G-GILF?

UPDATE: Turns out the lady at the premiere is Ivone Weldon, who probably isn't close to 90. That's bad news for Jackie, who probably still looks terrible, and worse news for Ivone, who's been mistaken internationally for a 90-year-old plastic surgery nightmare.

Jackie Stallone, who is 90 years old, showed up at last night's Expendables 2 premiere flaunting all of the replacements she's found for her own expendales—namely, her body, face and hair.

Look, Jackie Stallone was always a harsh-looking broad, but for the longest time, she looked like a pit bull that someone had abused with good reason. Now, she looks RIDICULOUS—her lips look like sideways porn-pussy—and yet, for 90 and considering how bad it once was, it can only be called a big improvement.

What would she look like had she never begun a tumultous affair with the scalpel? A person. But still, it could be and has been worse.

I can't tell if I'll like The Paperboy by Precious director Lee Daniels (Precious was my favorite movie the year it came out, though)—it looks really pulpy and overblown. But maybe that will be its charm. I wish Nicole Kidman weren't so plastic...it throws off period pieces.

But the story is intriguing. And if all else fails, it has Zac Efron in soaking wet tightie whities.

Trailer here.