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Apr 10 2014
Not-So-Average Joe: Out Author Joe Putignano On Conquering Addiction Comments (0)

OldschoolboxerImage by Matt Barnes

With Acrobaddict (Central Recovery Press, $17.95), Joe Putignano has written the kind of memoir you can't put down, but the kind of memoir that you hope no one else will ever have to write. Now an accomplished Cirque du Soleil performer and model and a hard-working student, he Acrobaddictspent a decade as a heroin addict, enduring all of the things that go along with that sorry state—familial rejection, expulsion from school, forced and unsuccessful rehab, inevitable relapse. His life was a mess, and was in danger of ending badly—and early.

Reading about his struggle is ultimately uplifting—he celebrated seven years of sobriety on March 25—and provides valuable insight into how to pull yourself up from the depths, even when you're sure there is no way out.

Check out my interview with this sweet and uniquely connected (he cares about others, believe me, he cares) individual after the jump...

Boy Culture: You appear to be someone a lot of people would envy. Does looking like someone who has it all make it all the more difficult to deal with issues like drug addiction?

Joe putignanoJoe Putignano: I think when we first see a person, we focus on the exterior and not what’s going on underneath. Within seconds, we usually have them figured out by what they look like and how they behave. This is a false perception. I believe all of us are similar, no matter how successful or attractive. Everyone has self-doubt, self-hatred and irrational fears. I wanted to write Acrobaddict to expose this idea that we are truly all the same. It is our pain that unites us, and in that pain we find powerful compassion, which often turns to love

BC: What motivated you to write Acrobaddict, and did you ever worry you were being too revealing?

JP: My motivation behind Acrobaddict was to connect with others experiencing self-loathing, pain and addiction. I believe we often feel we are the only ones suffering from these afflictions, and I wanted to let others know they weren’t alone.

"It is our pain that unites us."

Yes, I did worry I was being too revealing; however, I made a conscious decision to be completely honest, and once I made that choice I had to honor it. It wouldn’t have been fair for the readers for me to tell half a story. With that said, there are some tragedies I kept for myself.

BC: Organizing the book by body parts [chapters begin with descriptions of muscles and organs] was an interesting choice; it seemed to emphasize the surprising frailty of these things, ultimately. Was that your intention?

JP: That is a great question, and yes, this was my intention. As I was writing the book, I realized I was writing about the soul’s strength and resiliency. As humans, we get beat down again and again, but we keep getting back up.  It was then I knew the last chapter was going to emphasize the definition of the human spirit or soul; however, there is no true definition. It's like asking someone what love is; everyone has a different opinionm but there are certain commonalities, and this is true for the soul.

Joe-PutignanoJoe has gone through surgery recovery without the benefit of painkillers.

To continue this idea, I added the parts and structures of the body to create a human form, which coincided with the physicality of athletics, drug addiction and the things we experience on the physical plane. 

BC: You write that you always wanted to be a gymnastics champion, right from your very first lesson. Where do you think you got that drive?

JP: I believe I was born with this drive. I believe we all have something inside of us that makes us feel like we are in fire, something that ignites passion, creativity, inspiration and enthusiasm. The difficult part of life is finding this unique, individual aspect within ourselves, and then once we've found it, we have to keep it burning.

BC: How has asthma limited and defined your life? How about bullying, which didn't have the attention as an issue when you were a kid that it does now?

JP: Living with asthma was definitely a constant road block as an athlete. As a teenager, I was going in and out of the hospital with attacks, which meant I had to constantly get back in shape. The plus side to this physical ailment is that it taught me resiliency.

"My greatest hope is that our youth will stop destroying each other and finally understand that being unique is actually a blessing. Being normal on the other hand, isn’t."

I often wonder if I would have turned out any different in life had I not been bullied. I remember wanting to commit suicide in high school because I could not find any other options. My greatest hope is that our youth will stop destroying each other and finally understand that being unique is actually a blessing. Being normal on the other hand, isn’t. The definition of normal is: the exception: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.  Knowing this, I’m glad I’m not normal.

BC: Was it difficult writing so candidly about your family and your upbringing? How did family members and friends react to the book?

JP: I wrote this book to help others, and I didn’t want to hurt anybody. It was difficult writing about my own family, especially because they all have suffered with addiction. I had to write my mother’s character with great care. My sister told me that after my mom read the book, she cried for two days. I was terrified because I thought I had hurt her, and my intention in writing this was to help others, not hurt anyone. When my mother called, she said she was extremely proud of me, and she was sorry that I suffered so much.

BC: Substance abuse has been a demon for you. What do you think is the best way to ensure that fewer and fewer kids get sucked into this? What methods work?

JP: This is one of the toughest questions that continually plagues my mind. How do we stop kids from self-harm? I don’t have an answer, but I think it is important to educate them without being dishonest. The methods used in the past, the war on drugs, "just say no," or misinforming people about drug use to scare them into not using, clearly don't work.

I think it’s completely understandable for people to experiment with drug use, but addiction is a whole other dimension. People using drugs are often searching for something—a good time, euphoria, unity, laughter and love. The bigger question is: Is it possible to experience these feelings without substances?

"People using drugs are often searching for something—a good time, euphoria, unity, laughter and love. The bigger question is: Is it possible to experience these feelings without substances?"

I tried anything and everything to stop my addiction on my own—self-help books, diets, organic teas, witchcraft, Kabbalah, Dr. Phil, Oprah, changing substances, exercise, moving—but nothing lasted. Ultimately, what worked for me was the very last thing I was ever going to try, and that was 12-step recovery.  There are many different paths to recovery, but this is the only that continues to work for me.

BC: Who would you say has been the most influential person in your life, for better or worse?

JP: For better: My ex-boyfriend, Jonathan Nosan. He taught me everything I know in life, and he believed in me when nobody else did. 

For worse: My heroin dealer, Kimi. Our relationship was a sick, twisted mother-son disaster. I still think of her often, and there are parts of me that love her and parts of me that resent her. However, she is not to blame because I ultimately made the decision to keep coming back for more.

BC: You describe straight men having gay sex while "fucked up." Do you think it's completely out of their control, or is it possible they have those curiosities and use the drugs as an excuse to explore?

JP: Honestly, I think they just want to get off. It's like when I messed around with girls—it wasn’t what I wanted, but it worked. I think drugs and alcohol make people horny as their boundaries and walls come down. I think its easier for people to explore other possibilities in this state of mind. 

BC: Do you think athletes are at a particular risk for becoming addicted to drugs because athletics are so driven and addictive?

JP: I don’t think all athletes are at higher risk for drug addiction. Athletics can give incredible aspects to an athlete, like courage and self esteem.  What is unusual, though, is the relationship between addiction and athletics. The same energy that made me a good athlete made me a good heroin addict: Obsession, discipline and devotion.

"The same energy that made me a good athlete made me a good heroin addict."

For myself, it was the desire for perfection that began to bleed into my everyday life. Perfectionism can crush a person because it is an impossible goal. Drugs and alcohol allowed me to feel free from the desires to be perfect.

BC: What did Cirque du Soleil do to materially change your path in life?

JP: Performing in Cirque du Soleil was a childhood dream I thought I had destroyed with addiction, and I still can’t believe I was able to live it. I actually wrote Acrobaddict on tour while I was performing in Totem as "the Crystal Man." After many years on tour, most people saved their money to buy apartments or homes. I wanted to do the same, but I knew at some point I was going to have to transition into a different career. I made the decision to put myself through college with my savings to become a physician’s assistant. Yes, I wanted my own apartment, but I had to make the sacrifice. I am currently in school now. I still want to perform and haven’t given up on that yet, but I am adding other aspects in my life for when the time comes.

BC: Do you think being gay helped or hurt you regarding your cycle of addiction?

JP: Yes, I do believe being gay did impact my addiction. However, it's not being gay that had this influence, but it was society’s reaction to homosexuality. It is difficult to grow up in a world when people tell you there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and no matter what you do, you can’t change this. This creates a deep-seated belief that one will never be good enough or accepted.

"It is difficult to grow up in a world when people tell you there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and no matter what you do, you can’t change this."

I’m not an addict because I’m gay, but this cultural unacceptance did push me further into the hell of addiction, because drugs made me feel whole, accepted and complete, which was the opposite of what life was showing me. I think as human beings, we all want to feel whole, loved, accepted and complete, and this respect should be given to everyone on the planet.

BC: For whom did you write Acrobaddict?

JP: This is what I had written in my dedication, and it still applies:

 

For anyone who has ever wanted to die,

Who has given up on themselves

And on their dreams.

 

For those who have stood in

The mirror and thought:


 

I hate myself.

 

For all those who have been

Touched by suffering, pain,

Heartbreak, and addiction . . .

 

This book is for you.

 

BC: And a bonus question: When are you posing for me???

JP: You tell me.
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