Cristiano Ronaldo covers Men's Health (September 2014), posing for Peter Hapak. The cover—and also the back cover (the latter of which is the second image in the gallery) is too retouched for my taste. In brightening the whites of his eyes and in touching up his skin, an already manscaped-to-death dude gets even waxier.

Of course, he's still gorgeous, as are the pictures inside.

Ronaldo says, of his infamous humorlessness:

“I always try to improve. Tomorrow I will be better than today, and next year will be better than this one. If I score 50 goals, I want 55. Some people say I'm too serious on the pitch, not smiling and so on. It is because I'm focused 100 percent on every game. I always want more and more.”

Which is what a lot of gay men would be asking for, given some alone time with Ronaldo.