Shawn loved to be showered with attention — but it had a price. (Images by Kurt Deitrick)
Doug Probst is someone you might recognize under his professional name — Shawn Mayotte.
As a well-endowed, blond top twink, Mayotte appeared in the 1983 gay-porn classic Hot, High & Horny, whose title adhered to the precept of truth in advertising. He also posed many times for photographer Kurt Deitrick, the man who took over for the legendary shooter Bruce “Bruce of L.A.” Bellas when Bellas died in 1974.
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Mayotte never became a true porn star, though he knew many and has lovingly eulogized them online from time to time, because he was making much better money as an A-list escort, a position he achieved not long after being abandoned to the streets by his parents while still a teenager. He was rented many times by rich and famous men — and women — and would be rich today himself if it weren't for his struggle with addiction.
Since his heyday, Mayotte — now Probst — has survived unthinkable abuse at the hands of his parents and government officials charged with protecting him, HIV, drugs and a long battle with narcissism, a defense mechanism that allowed him to function when so many in his world were telling him he didn't deserve to live.
The result is a pair of confessionals. First up, available now, is Mayotte: The Musings of a Narcissist, a searing memoir that documents the abuse that challenged him in his early years, and is filled with fascinating remembrances of his clients, albeit some whose names have been changed. Following this no-holds barred autobiography, which is a classic survivor's tale, Probst will publish Shawn Mayotte After Hours: Naked & Unashamed, a coffee-table book filled with his sexiest poses from over the years.
Doug, now a musician, opened up so much in Mayotte, which I've read and recommend, yet generously did so again for Boy Culture's questions. He really is an open book. Two open books, in fact ...
BOY CULTURE: Your parents are portrayed as monsters in Mayotte: The Musings of a Narcissist. It’s infuriating to read they never really had to answer for their behavior.
DOUG PROBST: First, I want to hug you for understanding and feeling for me. It is infuriating. They were monsters, and they got away with it. The rest of my birth family are all pieces of shit, too. As a counselor, what usually saves someone who grows up with parents like mine, is they have one adult who loves them unconditionally. The movie Rocketman is a great example of this. Elton John's parents were both incapable of loving him, but he had his grandmother's unconditional love, which saved him. If a child knows he/she has at least one person in the family who loves them unconditionally and pays attention to them, praises them, and never judges them, that child has a chance to make something of himself. I saw this everyday with my drug caseload of clients. I listened to clients who were shot by their mothers, some smoked crack with their parents at 5, but the ones who had at least one uncle or grandmother who loved them still had some self-esteem. Unfortunately, my sister and I had no one. I have no idea why I have any empathy for anyone at all. I think my father was such a monster that I disconnected from him early and realized he was evil, so I wanted to be a good person — if that makes sense.
BC:: How can someone survive parental rejection?
DP: It depends on how early the rejection started and how long it lasted. Too many people romanticize familial roles, and destroy their own development as mature adults by continuing to believe that someday, Dad's gonna care. Or my favorite line my mom used to tell us: “Just because he never tells you he loves you or spends any time with you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.” Pure horseshit. The hardest thing to overcome in life is rejection. I liked my rapists better than my parents, because even while being raped, I was at least being paid attention to. Luckily, I suffered brutal beatings from my father at such a young age that I was able to reject him emotionally, so I never romanticized that he'd change. Think about what I just said!
Short answer: There's a lot of variables to answer your question effectively, but my sister is still pushing a shopping cart, suffering from untreated mental illness, and I'm doing better, but I'll never be “normal.” Without the people who love me for me, and understand I get triggered and still don't reject me like Ritch Esra and John Cox, I'd be in an asylum somewhere tuning this world out.
BC: You talk about an ugly voice in your head during your lowest points. Would you say that voice was a manifestation of your mother’s refusal to be there for you?
DP: Absolutely. Some of those voices' comments in my head were actual things she said. She called me a pervert many times, even when I was a kid. She put me down every chance she got.
She was a monster sober, but when she was drunk, she could wound us with words so hurtful they still reverberate in my head. She said horrible things about us all the time — to our faces. To my girlfriend Laura, she said I'd turn into a faggot like my father. (When he died, I found out he was living with a black trans woman, and I saw him in a porno sucking black cock — I wrote a song about it).
My mother's meanness, cruelty and words were that voice that I've had to live with my whole life.
BC: And she'll never read your book.
DP: No, she's good and dead. Unfortunately, she doesn't have good lighting where she's at. Okay, bad joke.
BC: Is it a strange experience when you speak with people who had no abuse in their childhoods?
DP: This is a great question. In my younger years, my bravado, PTSD, and self-dissociative disorder combined to compel me to try to fit in with people who weren't abused as children, but inside I still never felt like I could relate to them. I'm speaking of most people. I chose to become part of “your world,” but I stayed paralyzed inside of my world. The people who I hated were those that I met who said shit like, “He had a horrible childhood, and look at how he made it!”
My mother said that numerous times, and I educated her. She actually agreed with me when I said, “First of all, you don't know what that person's definition of abuse is, when they were 'abused,' what part of their brain received the most abuse or at what crucial moment they got hit as it could have been when their amygdala was chronicling everything and that smack is what sends signals to their neocortex. Or because they weren't hit at that time, it's not as bad.”
BC: Probably a lot more people experienced abuse than will admit it.
DP: I hate people who generalize serious subjects. As a drug counselor, I've sat with 50-year-old alcoholics who pee their pants while I'm writing a treatment plan, and then tell me. “I got hit with belts, but that's not abuse, everyone got hit with belts.” Uh, no, everyone didn't get hit with belts. And getting hit with belts is abuse.
BC: How has your nightmare childhood informed your own parenting?
DP: For the first six years of my son Josh's life, he was my life and I devoted every moment to making his world safe and loving him unconditionally. I found there was no such thing as the “terrible twos” and I couldn't imagine referring to any child as “terrible.”
I eventually let my guard down, and I yelled at him, thought it was okay to use drugs because I was a millionaire who bought him cars and provided him with everything I never had. I was not the greatest parent during those times. I still managed to coach his baseball teams and never hit him, even when I lost my temper when I found out he had senioritis during his last year of high school and ditched class more days than I'll share here. I was aware of my own failings as a person and a parent, so I didn't feel I had the right to treat him badly. I put him through some rough times, and I also loved him like no one ever has or will, so our relationship is good today. Love my Josh.
BC: You suffered not only physical, but sexual abuse as a child and teenager, which you write about graphically and sensitively in your book. Did you at some point assume all adults might be potential rapists?
DP: No. I didn't trust any adults — and still have that problem) — but I could tell the difference between a rapist and a good adult person.
BC: Your experience in various juvenile homes was horrific. Do you think things have changed a lot in the past 40 years?
DP: My guess is it's harder to get away with molesting children these days. I think the public awareness we raised by revealing the abuse of children by the Catholic Church has made a huge difference. I think potential child abusers are afraid of getting caught, and children hopefully feel more empowered that they'll be believed if they come forward with their stories. But I really don't know. I haven't paid attention to the juvenile probation system or monitored Boys' Homes.
I was the lead spokesperson in the Los Angeles County Child Sexual Assault Case against the L.A. Catholic Archdiocese. I spoke directly to Roger Mahony when negotiations were stalled. I remember him as the most hollow, detached man I'd ever met aside from my father. When he said, “I don't know what to do, Doug — we don't have the money,” I answered, “Sell the fucking cathedral you're building. Aren't our lives worth more than the Rog-Mahal?” Judge McCoy was crying, our attorneys were crying, I was crying, but Mahony was unmoved. I felt like joking, “Well, if you won't give us anything, will you at least validate my parking?” Three days later, they settled with us for $660 million dollars. I take pride in that my argument with him was slightly responsible, but it was mostly due to the fact that our first, most solid, case was to open four days later. We had so much evidence, they capitulated to our demands.
But, as an adult drug counselor, everyone on my caseload had been sexually assaulted by adults when they were children, so it still happens — but I think it happens much less than it did in the 1970s.
BC: What would some rare good times you had in those homes?
DP: Very few, but I remember them. A counselor named Steve at LeRoy Boys' Home took note of how well I played the guitar and piano they had in one of the buildings. He took me to my first concert, which was Aerosmith with an opening band called AC/DC that I'd never heard of before. I loved Aerosmith, but unfortunately Steven Tyler and Joe Perry were so high they fell off the stage several times. AC/DC blew everyone away. This little frantic guitar player was carried on the shoulders of the lead singer through every single aisle in the Long Beach Arena. They even stopped for a minute to play in front of me. It changed my life. Steve was one of the good guys who never wanted to take advantage of boys. Al, who was with me at LeRoy Boys' Home got a hold of me on Facebook and asked if I was still playing music and he reminded me of Steve.
I've been contacted by many of the boys who were in the homes with me, and it feels good to know they still remember me and they validate my experiences. I still hear my mother and my aunts calling Jamie and I liars in my head, but when guys come out of nowhere and tell the same story about me that I just told the world, I feel validated. It's a curse to always feel like I have to prove what I say is true. It's why I decided to get down and dirty and reveal what most people would hide about themselves. If my book doesn't read well, or people think I'm a pervert or end their friendships with me because I fucked men, I don't care. What matters to me is that my book is honest. I tell the truth.
And the other good times I had in the boys' homes was the sex I'd have with some of the other boys. I was a horny youngster, and so were a lot of other boys. We had fun.
BC: You describe your molestation vividly, and it is stomach-turning. But like you say, you also were coming-of-age at the time, so you had pleasurable interactions, too; I am recalling the story in which you were wishing the officer taking you to be locked up would have uncuffed you so you two could have had fun instead. Clearly, you were underage. Was it difficult to unpack your sexuality while dealing with so much unwanted sexual attention?
DP: That's probably what fucks a child up more than anything. Yes, I was horny, and I would have had sex with that cop. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 15 years old, and my dick was always hard. The cop had the power to release me and give me freedom, but he was more interested in getting off with me. I kinda liked that. I don't know what it was about that interaction that turned me on so much — maybe he was really good-looking, maybe I hadn't had any sex for a while, maybe being locked up in a police car was exciting. But the reason I say these actions fuck up a child's ability to have discipline and trust when they have sexual feelings is because he had total control and the responsibility to do the right thing for a 15-year-old kid. And that meant to be kind to me, let me know I wasn't a bad kid, that I have my whole life in front of me; some pep talk — not sexual shit. I needed a father, not a child molester. He knew that, that's why they sign up for those jobs. My God, I want to help kids, not use them as sexual toys. You don't work with children and take advantage of them.
I told Roger Mahony: “Your priests had a choice with me: I was 13 and hated my father. I was ready for any adult to give me love and direction. I would have been an altar boy, and I would have made choices based on someone's, anyone's example of true love for me. But instead, your priests and brothers took the opposite approach with me. They turned me against religion, they made me hate fake-ass priests, and though I didn't believe in God, they could have molded a good Catholic who doesn't judge anyone. Their deviance made me hate everything about religion. But it also gave me the ability to see the hypocrisy of people who care more about fetuses than boys and girls who are scarred from Catholic priests' molestations of them.” Fucking idiots.
BC: Is getting the word out about child sexual abuse the message of your first book?
DP: Two messages. First, the whole system of where children are housed needs to be monitored and reformed. Too many predators are working there, and they shouldn't be. At the same time, let's not accuse every person of molesting a child, especially if a person who's 20 has a boyfriend or girlfriend who's 17. We've become hysterical.
My second message is: Religion is the enemy, not homosexuals. Stop judging what you fear! You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when God hates all the same people you do. Suck a dick.
BC: Do you feel you had people in your life who took advantage of you but were still decent people? I’m thinking of some of your clients as an adult.
DP: Yes, the majority of my clients when I was an adult were decent people. [Famous producer] Michael Filerman was one of the loveliest men I've ever known. He and I had a deeper relationship as friends; we were more than just client/hustler. I loved him. He had integrity and told me that there was more to me than prostitution and I shouldn't define myself by that. He got to know my son Josh. I'll never forget when I took Josh to Michael's house in 1996 for a swim in his pool. Josh was 6 and both Michael and I thought he was so cute when he exclaimed: “Michael has eight bedrooms, Daddy!” They became friends. Michael treated my son like he was his. He also compensated his maids — “estate managers” — very well and treated them with respect. They loved him, too. I always took note of how wealthy people treated those without money. Michael was the best. I cried when I heard he passed away [in 2014].
The four clients that I loved most were: Michael, Arthur Travis, John Thompson and Joe L. These four truly loved me. They treated me well, with respect, and they loved me like I was their son. They were over generous with their time and money.
Joe L. even called my father when my car was stolen and cried because my father was so cold. There were many other clients who were good to me, but those four were my dads.
BC: It’s interesting you had intimate moments with gay powerbrokers like Allan Carr and Sandy Gallin; they seemed invincible in their fields, yet were vulnerable with you.
DP: That's an interesting question. I was intimate with them, and none of us were judging the other. They knew I wasn't judging them and they relaxed. Even David Geffen felt relaxed with me and opened up. After bragging for two nights. I knew their secrets, and they knew I'd never tell anyone. I had compassion for them.
BC: Were you ever starstruck when you knew someone was famous, like The Brady Bunch dad Robert Reed?
DP: No. I felt like I was the star, on my way to the top. Robert Reed was Mr. Brady, but he was vulnerable with me. I had tremendous compassion for men who were in the closet because I had the same feelings. I had to be in the closet, too. David Geffen would be the only man or woman I was starstruck by.
BC: Some of your clients were pretty bad — the Christian pastor from Santa Ana comes to mind.
DP: Yep. I met up with men who wanted to paddle me and men who wanted to tie me up and whip me, but I wouldn't allow it. I had people who cried all the time, women who screamed at me, and all of that. I had a couple of fist fights with men, too.
BC: Can you talk a bit about the women clients — I always assumed that would be such a rarity.
DP: I wish I could name names; there's more than a few famous ones. Female clients were rare, but there were more of them than I put in the book. Again, some were lovely people who needed affection, and some just wanted a big dick. [Laughs] I wasn't surprised to see women cruising around in Long Beach looking for young men. I had already had sex with female adults in the L.A. County Probation System. I don't talk about that much, but I did. Also, 1982 was basically still the '70s, and in the 1970s, there were bisexual bathhouses everywhere. I've seen videos of women talking about sitting in a room naked surrounded by 30 men, all masturbating in front of them. They'd talk about how they'd enjoy seeing the men, and participated in every sexual act known to mankind. The 1970s were truly the height of sexual release for America.
Doug could still be a hot commodity in “Vaseline Alley.” (Image via Doug Probst)
BC: You talk in your memoir about not being easy to label. Do you feel you fit more into this era, with people coming forward as asexual, nonbinary, pansexual, rather than more restrictive labels like “gay”?
DP: Yes I do. I HATE labels.
BC: You're associated with porn and your nude modeling, but music is your profession and seems to be a lifelong love. What has music done for you?
DP: It's impossible to quantify. Music is life to me. I could play Bach and Beethoven by ear on the piano at age 4, but I preferred playing the Beatles on my guitar. I'll keep it short: Some say music helps them cope with the fear of dying. For me, music helped me cope with the terror of living.
Shawn was a staple of gay mags. (Images via Kurt Deitrick & YMAC)
BC: What made you cave and do porn after initially worrying it would mess up a music career?
DP: I had a huge ego. I wasn't afraid to take my clothes off, and I was proud to show off my willy, but I battled back and forth on whether this was a good decision because of my career aspirations in music. After self-examining, I was still not wanting to be seen as a “fag,” yet I wanted to be known as a “fag” and change everybody's prejudices. I was battling both thoughts, but give the win to ,“I don't give a fuck if you think I'm a fag, 'cause that means you're a judgmental idiot anyway.”
BC: Your porn and your nude poses are a big part of who you are. Can you explain why you felt the need to do two books instead of one, with the second book devoted to your hottest images?
DP: Because it's inappropriate to have nude pictures of me alongside pictures of me with my son. But it's also disingenuous of me to not show my pictures to my fans who love them. John Cox and Teri Noel are saints for allowing me to use them. I'm proud of them today. I've heard a lot of me say they regret not taking nude pictures of themselves in their 20s. I took thousands — why not show them off?
BC: So few guys who did gay porn in the '80s are still with us. Do you feel like a survivor, and is that part of why you have told some of their stories online?
DP: I'm so lucky to be alive! Yes, that's one of the reasons I feel obligated to tell their stories. When I hear people talk about how they lost a loved one, like a brother or sister, and consistently remark how much their death still hurts, my first thought is always: Just one? I still have tremendous compassion for them, I understand the pain of losing someone you love, but I don't think they understand hundreds of members of my family died. They were real people, not just abstract statistics to joke about. I fucking hated Christians for their hypocrisy during those years. I was losing my family and they not only didn't give a shit, they mocked them.
I kept track as best I could, and after my 25th friend died, (I think that was Jazmine, a girlfriend who was sharing needles without knowing anything about a disease in 1982), I made it a personal mission to keep track of everyone who would die. I had more than a suspicion that this was not gonna stop, and no one cared. I lost a lot of names when I lapsed in paying for a self-storage unit in 1995; they sold irreplaceable videotapes of my friends like Jim Rideout, Jon King and Doug (Tim Kramer) having fun at parties. But the funerals made it easier to keep counting.
There's no way to convey the massive despair I felt, but by writing about them, I can at least keep them alive and give them dignity.
I guess another message of my book is that prostitutes, adult film actors and addicts matter, and are as human as a trust-fund baby. We don't deserve derision or mocking. Everyone counts or no one counts.
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