(Image via Instagram)

Joe Putignano, whose 2013 memoir Acrobaddict detailed his career with Cirque du Soleil and his addiction battle, died September 27. He was 46.

His husband, Josh Putignano, announced the tragic news on Saturday, writing that his addiction got the better of him. He wrote on Facebook:

I can’t believe you’re gone. My amazing, beautiful soulmate Joe, is no longer here in physical form. As the husband of an addict in recovery, I came to realize that the demon of addiction is a constant battle you’d have to fight daily. Sadly, it saw a moment of vulnerability. That demon seized it, and took you away from me. While I slept, you left me, Pasta and Shadow on Wednesday. I’m devastated that you’re no longer here to keep me company; for me to be your co-pilot with PS5 games; to see the joy in your eyes when you played with Pasta and Shadow. Our years of deep talks, long hikes and walks, going to the gym, our amazing vacations we took, the several leaps of faith to live in new places; getting you through the hell of your accelerated BSN degree program. We did so very much, my love, and now, what am I supposed to do?? I need you Joe, and now I’m all alone. I now lay in an empty bed, that I can smell your scent, where you used to hold me tight when we talked about everything on our minds, watched movies and TV, and made mind blowing love. I wrap myself in your robe after I shower to be surrounded by your smell, for the brief moment of respite from my immense grief and I imagine and feel you hugging and holding me so very tight.

 

You are and will forever be my one true love and soul mate. The days where my PTSD got the better of me, you were there, by my side, allowing me to talk through it. You always motivated me with my bad days and with working through my recent health issues. That and no matter how frustrating my own demons were, you stayed by my side through it all, without flinching or judgment. You helped me through so much and I hope I provided you with the strength and unconditional love you deserved.

 

Maybe God or the universe said that was the day to no longer be in pain. That you’ve done your job and it was time to go. I sit here with our girls, hoping and waiting for our front door to open and you to return to us. I constantly check my phone for a text asking me if everything is ok, how I’m doing and ‘I love you so much’. It is my hope that you saw Clover, your grand mother, your mom and your other relatives that you love as they welcomed you. Please, I beg you, come visit me. I need to know you’re ok, because I’m not. I’m not fine, good or ok. I’m hurt and angry, depressed and feel empty. My selfishness is screaming at you, “WHY?! Joe, not now! I’m not ready to face this world without you by my side. You PROMISED me we’d grow old together and retire in Hawai’i. I have no clue as to what I am supposed to do next. We made a plan!”

 

My Joey, it may be a long time before I get to join you, so I hope that you at least visit me as I try to navigate my existence without you and please also check in with Pasta and Shadow, they miss you terribly. My heart will forever be yours. Even if it’s shattered, broken into a million pieces and my soul will forever ache because of your absence. I have no idea what I’m going to do, but you better be there to guide me. Throw on a Bjork or Tori song occasionally to let me know you’re there. You’d better visit me in my dreams my love, I’ll look for you until that day we are reunited. Thank you for the best 10-years of my life. I’ll love you forever and beyond, and I’m looking forward to the day we are reunited, fall into your arms again and feel whole. Your voice hearing you say you love me, and your eyes that could not only read my mind but also give me butterflies in my stomach, just like the first time we met.

 

I’ll miss our game to test our mental link where one of us would write down a song that was in our heads. One would start singing and the other would check the paper to find the song written down. I know that if I start singing one of your random songs, that you’re also by my side. Please give me the strength as you have always done, to face this world, but without you physically, by my side. I honestly don’t know how I can unless you’re here.

 

Sleep strong my love. I miss you more than anyone or anything I’ve ever imagined.

I interviewed Joe in April 2014. Please check that out here. One of his more poignant quotes from that talk:

It is difficult to grow up in a world when people tell you there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and no matter what you do, you can’t change this.