ABOVE: He's definitely a major dad.

BELOW: Keep reading for the 100-year-old Twink, Madonna's Paper goods, John Stamos, Lee Pace and the King of Cringe ...

ABOVE: This used to be what sold on the newsstand. Now, we get (BELOW) this:

BELOW: Keep reading for Darren Criss and John Stamos shirtless together, Trump's rigged Senate trial nears its self-defeating conclusion, Billy Porter meets Tamron Hall and more ...

ABOVE: Dark and lovely.

BELOW: Keep reading for stacks of studs, Streisand's about-face, Stamos's wardrobe malfunction and more...

(Video still via Instagram @johnstamos)

John Stamos was rockin' out onstage when he felt a breeze — I only wish the video captured a more revealing peek at the giant split in his pants ...

(Image via Twitter @JohnStamos)

John Stamos and Glen Powell shared a shower for a Scream Queens episode, proving once again that gay men should be in charge of more youth programming.

Video from the scene provided by Lea Michele after the jump ...

Sarah Palin says Donald Trump protesters engaging in "punk a-- little thuggery." https://t.co/4QDQ62T9VK pic.twitter.com/hxppYRqLHz

— ABC News (@ABC) March 14, 2016

This could be the day the U.S. decides to off itself.

Donald Trump probably violated the law in promising Ben Carson a job.

Broad City girls lose their sh*t over Hillary Clinton. Must be Floridians.

Broad City's Hillary episode airs March 16 at 10 p.m. on Comedy Central (Image via Comedy Central)

SON OF UBER: Kalamazoo shooter says app controlled him.

Sexy John Stamos, covered in goo.

Xena: Warrior Princess reboot goes full-lesbian?

(Image via NBC)

John Stamos by Brian Bowen Smith for Paper

Paper's “Break the Internet” proclivities are well-honed. This time, they're showing off John Stamos's cute rump (plus I have it on good authority that a popular Web hottie is going full-moon in the same issue).

Debbie Reynolds is dishing the decades-old dirt, including Scotty Bowers goss.

Ben Carson literally thinks Jews with guns could've averted the Holocaust.

John Stamos uses GHB to lean out.

Gee, Paul Ryan is really failing upward.

Gets no hotter than THAT.

Genre-bending fantasy!

Pan? EW.

How to guess if your kid will be gay.

Loving this bendy boy's SPREAD.

First teaser for that O.J. Simpson flick.

Taylor Swift is taking a break?

Is it PC run amok to object to a kids' toy featuring a slave?

Speaking of Hollywood beards ...!

Gay marriage came to TV October 9, 1977! Keep reading to see ...