ABOVE: Stay at home and read.
ABOVE: Stay at home and read.
Okay, like, I got invited to this super exclusive new Off-Broadway show called Katdashians: Break the Musical, and it was seriously the funniest thing everrr or, like, at least, it was a funny thing, you know? Bible.
Katdashians: Break the Musical is the very funny creation of Bob and Tobly McSmith, the warped minds behind past romps like Bayside! The Musical!, Full House: The Musical! and Showgirls!: The Musical. With the McSmiths' perverse combo of legitimately complex songs and gross-out humor, tight direction by tight John Duff (who we would all like to see attempt to break the Internet with his own fame-ready caboose), and Broadway-level choreography by Viva Soudan, the show has more to offer than just cheap laughs at the world's most famous Armenian-Americans.
Though there are plenty of cheap laughs, too.
The show follows—wallows in?—the regrettable ascension of the Kardashians, ending somewhere just beyond Caitlyn Jenner's transition. The songs are, as the title suggests, frequently parodies of famous numbers from Cats (which is returning to Broadway in the near future—that legendary musical is as bad as Keeping Up with the Kardashians and apparently just as hard to euthanize permanently), but there are also clever re-workings of tunes by Beyoncé, Madonna and other suitably fabulous fame whores.
And yes, it was “better than Cats.”
Speaking of which, if there is anything limiting about doing a parody of the most famous, most polarizing people alive, it may be that the show works best if you know everything about the Kardashians and also have the Cats original cast recording memorized. Thing is, very few people probably check both boxes. Luckily, the show does work if you're only into one or the other, and even seems to work if you're a novice regarding both. I surveyed some patrons and was surprised how few were well-versed in Kardashian lore, though a girl behind me who claimed she knew nothing knew all the terms in the “How to Speak Kardashian” insert from our program. The guy next to me, who knew zero about the Kardashians, laughed loudly throughout. I mean, jokes about pubic hair and anal sex are pretty universal.
The cast/cats are purrfect, led by Carmen Mendoza as busty, bratty, dusky-Baby Doll Kim Kat. She has her look down pat and has the star quality necessary to function as the epicenter of an attention-logged sect.
Bridget Kennedy as Kourtney Kat is a riot, offering a deadpan, personality-free take that reminded me of the fun femme performances in the late, great American Psycho. She channels a Selma Blair monotone and has the requisite bombshell looks, the exact recipe for Kourtney.
Standing out from an already stellar group is Elliott Brooks as Khloé Kat, whose character gets the Cher-in-Moonstruck treatment as we follow her from Khloé's birth status as a softer, potty-on-me-mouthed version of The Thing to the voluptuous blonde work-out fanatic that she is today. With manic, verbal-diarrhetic glee, she spits out shocking one-liners about anal sex, anal beds, “Shit on a dick!” and projectile vaginal discharge—singing hysterically at one point about the seemingly drug-resistant strain of pubic hair she hosts—and yet still makes the audience root for her. Definitely pick of the litter.
Bailey Nolan is Kris Kat/Kris Jenner's doppelgänger thanks to the perfect wig and a great vocal imitation; it felt like Kris was appearing in the show herself, which is not something I would put past her. Her counterpart, Peter Smith as Bruce/Catlyn/Caitlyn, nailed the transgender trailblazer's guyish speech and was able to make us cheer for her transition all over again, even though in real life, Caitlyn turned out to be kind of a dud in the inspiration arena. Smith's take on a parody of “Memory” was a show-stopper.
Knee-slapping, mutinous scenes featuring choreographer Soudan as Kylie Kat and Ariel Ash as Kendall Kat (in a mask and peek-a-boo unitard, she was the spitting image) had some audience members howling. Alexis Kelley and Jenyvette Vega serve as ass-tastic Dash Dolls.
Best thing about the show, though, might be the innovation of encouraging (non-flash) photography, and especially selfie-taking, throughout. So if your mind wanders, take a great selfie and let your followers on social media know that you're doing looking good.
In the end, this sometimes almost admiring, more often catty, hoot has its claws out mostly for you, the audience that pretends to revile a family famous only for being famous ... all the while watching their every move like a cat watches a bowl-bound goldfish.
Katdashians: Break the Musical is at the Elektra Theatre at 300 W. 43rd St., NYC, through July 16. Tickets are $25-$45. Visit the site here.
Keep reading for video and pictures from the opening-night champagne toast ...
In tonight's episode of I Am Cait—which I will continue to say is a really solid, helpful show regardless of its star's ridiculous political views—Kris Jenner called out Caitlyn's Republicanism.
Sometimes you can get a little cranky. Because you're so crazy about this one thing—you are really crazy about this one thing—and no one wants to sit around and listen to this sh*t so shut the f*ck up and relax.
Caitlyn's co-stars enjoyed this comment, and Caitlyn later admitted it is “not fun” to receive so many notes from everyone around her about how she should be.
Video of the exes relating completely different memories about whether or not Bruce told Kris he was transgender during their marriage ...
People Exclusive: Meet the 1800s trans man who fought in the Civil War.
When Caitlyn Jenner dates men soon, Kris Jenner will be confused “for sure.”
TMZ: Sam Smith, Oscar hidden ... somewhere ... serenaded with “This Boy Is a Bottom.”
Henry Cavill is dating a teenager. Okay. No, wait, a teenage girl.
Thick, hot Spider-Man with no pants.
Guys Reading Poems will debut at the Palm Beach International Film Festival.
(Film still via Guys Reading Poems)
Kris Jenner showed up in her best '80s look at the iHeart80s Party, sponsored by iHeartRadio, in order to intro Culture Club.
Instead, she was so loudly booed that nobody in the auditorium could hear her remarks.
Idris Elba will open for Madonna. Wonder if she'll return the favor?
Scorching-hot Canadian PM hangs with adorable gay family. Because it's 2015.
Learn these PrEP myths. Because it's 2015.
I don't get why Oprah is so F impressed with the Kardashians.
Craig Moody endorses EM20. Get yours here!
Your newest rugby-stud crush.
SeaWorld San Diego phasing out killer-whale shows.
Gay-dadded Scheer family tells One Million Moms to MYOB.
Donald Trump joins bone-headed Starbucks boycott.
Martin O'Malley wants gay service members' records cleared.
Learn all the types of daddies, boy.
Justin Bieber runs in high heels.
Caitlyn's new look, on the Glamour red carpet.
Immigration setback for President Obama and affected families.
Scott Baptie is SUPER hot.
Passion Pit frontman comes out as gay.
This beauty's ass has real promise.
Adorable Gus Kenworthy dating adorable Matthew Wilkas.
It's okay to stop reading my blog if you think LGBT should abandon the T.
Cops in Austin swarm black guys, beat one, for jaywalking.
10 million people watched Donald Trump suck on SNL.
Childless James Woods gets knickers in twist over kids swearing.
Hillary Clinton proposes reclassifying pot as less dangerous drug.
Bernie Sanders did not work against Barack Obama in 2012.
Ben Carson probably made up this ridiculous Yale story, too.
Even if you're pro-PrEP, should we be glamorizing “partying?”
Michael Fassbender: The horse-boner-whisperer.
Plan to close Guantanamo Bay on the way?
Did this harmless-looking teen execute his family?
Hot 'n' hairy dude is naked, but not. But naked.
Whistle-blowing teacher is bullied & punished.
Oh, man, this dude's hairy chest!
Dirty, filthy ... embroidery???
Myanmar to have female leader before U.S.
Tim Gunn is NOT a Kardashian fan.
Caitlyn Jenner (in a bubble bath) enlivens Kris Jenner parody vid.
Zayn Malik has been sending nude pics?! Not to me ... huh.
In the coming climate-change genocide, I hope we kill the deniers first.
Models fall—hard—during Givenchy runway show.
It's an undies showdown!
RED, WHITE & SPEW: Sarah Palin's latest baffling string of nonsense words.
Creative Arts Emmys handed out to everyone who showed up.
Kim Davis files for yet another delay in issuing marriage licenses.
There are bigger things to worry about than Kim Davis.
Kris Jenner says she isn't exactly besties with Caitlyn just yet.
Madonna misses Obama at her D.C. show.
Elton John wants to meet Putin to change his anti-gay mind.
Sick bastard torches Gay Pride bench.
Hillary followed the law in deleting private e-mails.
Pataki bluntly states he won't vote for “unfit” Trump.
Trump is against high CEO pay, uses it to settle score with Macy's.